Girlphoria: Kink for the Vanilla Girl

Are You Kinky?

The other day a good friend of mine said: "Sex and kink are like apple pie and ice-cream. They taste good separately, but they taste even better together." Although simple, this statement suited my personal philosophy of sex and kink perfectly. What it meant to me was, sex is great on its own, but kink is that added spice that makes sex sizzle.

So, exactly what is kink? To define kink, we must first identify what kink is not. For most people, kinky sex is the opposite of "vanilla sex". Vanilla sex is often described as the usual missionary style of sex between a heterosexual couple. The old boy-on-top, girl-on-bottom sex that most of us are familiar with. Kink, therefore, would be everything outside of that definition-a form of alternative sexual expression that encompasses a diverse range of risquŽ practises. Kink is often thought of as deviant sex, or BDSM. For the purpose of this column however, I'd like to refer to kink as a variation on conventional sexual play. Kink means exploring some aspect of your sexuality that you've never tried before. For some, kink may be dressing up sexy or wearing lingerie, creative or unusual sex, role-playing, tantra, sex in unusual places, sex in unusual positions, erotica, talking dirty, voyeurism or exhibitionism, erotic or sensual massage, fetishes, bondage, sensation play, sexual fantasies, gender-bending, or alternative sexual orientations, just to name a few. Kink is therefore very subjective-what may be kinky to me, might be quite tame to you and visa-versa.

Why would one want to experiment with kinky sex? The obvious reason is to put a new twist on sex and spice it up. Unfortunately, the infatuation that feeds a hot sexy love life at the beginning of a relationship usually fades as partners become more comfortable together. Familiarity breeds predictability. That same-old, same-old all the time can get a bit monotonous-and let's face it-a bit boring. Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., author of The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex says that, "When you're with the same partner on a regular basis, familiarity replaces that sense of the forbiddenÉ and since you know how to turn each other on and get each other off, you tend to rely on these tried-and-true moves rather than break boundaries and taboos."

Sex therapists know that "variety is the spice of life" and the key to keeping sex interesting is experimenting with new love moves. Read the cover of any woman's magazine like Cosmo and you will find articles like "Putting the Sizzle Back into Your Love Life" and "Sexy Ways to Push Your Lover's Hot Buttons". Exploring one's sexual fantasies adds a bit of mystery to a relationship and a whole new level of excitement. And, kink is all about being adventurous-taking risks and exploring new sexual territory. Sexual experimentation allows one to discover new turn-ons, to shed inhibitions, allowing one to find creative ways to make those bed springs sing.

The same can be true for those of us who are not in a committed relationship. Sex for the single girl can be hot as you challenge yourself with new sexual adventures and awaken the sexual goddess inside of you. "When you broaden your definition of sexy and dare to try something outside of your usual arsenal of tricks, you not only get the benefit of phenomenal new sensations, you also gain confidence, which makes you more assertive and adventurous in bed," says Barbara Keesling, author of Getting Close. Annie Sprinkle, Post Porn Modernist, encourages women to explore their many-faceted sexualities, redefine their concept of sexuality, embrace their inner Goddess or Slut and allow themselves to have guilt-free sex. In her Metamorphosex workshop, Annie says: "Our sexuality is not only something that can be used for the enhancement of an intimate relationship, for physical pleasure or for procreation; it can also be used for personal transformation, physical and emotional healing, self-realization, spiritual growth, and as a way to learn about all of life and death." In other words, exploring our sexuality can be a truly transformative, healing and enlightening experience that can positively effect all aspects of our lives. So don't be afraid of being a little bit brazen, take risks, be spontaneous, shed your inhibitions and get kinky!

What are you waiting for. Take our Girlphoria "Are You Kinky?" quiz, and go on and get your kink on.

 

 

duana r anderson is a writer of erotica and sexual non-fiction, adventurer and advocate of human sexuality. Her works have been most recently coveted by Whiplash Magazine, Suspect Thoughts, Good Vibrations, Alyson Publications, and Scarlet Letters. She has just completed her first book: "Jill'n Off: A Woman's Complete Guide to Solo Sex", which will be available in the new year. You can write her at duana at ns.sympatico.ca