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In This Skin
"To be Worthy
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question is again: How? The least complicated answers are: that he allowed me to grow dependent and that his issues with past relationships, and his parentsę dissolved relationship, made for him seeking someone of whom he could take care. I could go into a psychoanalytical tirade, breaking him down, but this is my story and Ięll just keep with bringing my issues to the light. As the relationship grew, I could feel us growing stronger and then almost as soon as it got really great, we began to grow apart. It became evident that the relationship was beginning to take a toll on us, namely myself, because I was not the person that I once was. I had grown into this jealous, dependent girl, who had allowed her relations with a man to hinder her growth as a woman and caused her to lose focus of her goals and her studies. I finally got the nerve to break if off days before his birthday, albeit not in the most delicate way, but I didnęt know what else to do. At the time, I wasnęt aware of it, but now I realize that I had become this insensitive, distorted version of myself. In an attempt to save face, I had become the epitome of the men who had done me wrong, years previous. Coming out of the relationship led me down a road of a few more casual relationships. At the time, they seemed to a lot more meaningful than they really were. In all actuality, I just "needed" a rebound from the only truly meaningful one Ięd ever had. With all of said casual relationships ended with the emotional equivalence of •a door being slammed in my face," I found myself finally taking the time that I needed to regroup and get back to the LęOreal that I loved. I didnęt want to be "Dependency Dottie" or
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"Rebound Rihan." I didnęt want to be that girl...anymore. I wanted to be comfortable in my skin again. I wanted to go back to being me. After three months of finally taking time for myself to regroup after non-stop rebounding for the past few years, I met "Mr. Right." Little did I know that he was only "Mr. Right Then." Upon first meeting, I could feel something that I had never felt, but I couldnęt exactly describe it. It was very casual at first, but as we got the chance to spend more time together, the energy became much more apparent. But with me, finally back to myself, I was only really interested in something completely casual. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday and I remember declining his advances toward the idea of a relationship. Can you believe it? I was finally saying no, after four years of back-to-back dating. The problem was that "Mr. Right" was quite the charmer and he made me believe that anything was possible, just by being together. I was smitten and as luck would have it, so I entered my second serious relationship. The difference this time was that I truly thought that he was "the one" and I made a sacrifice, but that is neither here nor there. Since "Mr. Right" had a few issues of his own that had not been resolved before our relationship began, it began to fall apart and boy did it get ugly. But the outcome of that relationship is not what this story is about, it is, of course, about me. So as the relationship dissolved, so did my self-confidence, my self-esteem, and as it seemed, everything else...out the window. "Relationship rock-bottom," it felt, but to others, it would probably pale in comparison. While the latter statement may have some validity, it does not make my experience and my emotional reactions through the break-up any less valid. At the end of my second serious relationship, I had become a vision of self-pity, wallowing in self-loathing for what became several months. The vision of the girl I once knew had faded and I was confronted with the face of a stranger. But, alas, help was on the way in the form of writing. With each manuscript and each stroke of my pen, I began to shed the layers of negativity that had held me captive for so long, the layers that were keeping me from growing into the young woman I was meant to be and fulfilling my destiny. As I began to unravel these layers, like a snake, I became closer and closer to "that girl" and to confronting the issues that Ięd been ignoring for so long. I am finally getting comfortable with being alone and taking time for myself and it feels great. I canęt give all of the credit to writing because I finally took the initiative and made it a point to make room for change. As it has come to be, I am close to unraveling all of the negative, hindering layers of myself. I get closer and closer to it everyday and it excites me to no end. While these days have found me keeping company with someone, my mind, heart and soul have put things in perspective and nothing is going to keep me from shedding these layers and revealing my "second" skin. 2006 |
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SPECIAL
NOTE From L'Oreal As the sex and relationships editor, I am on the lookout for all submissions centered around the topics of sex relationships (go figure); be it an interview, an article centered around a recent study/news story, or a personal account. My motto
is “No inhibitions. No pretense. No problem” and I firmly stand by
those terms. I want you to feel free to express yourself and have fun doing it. |
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Michelle7
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