Advice "Ask Rachel & Claire":

Dear Rachel and Claire,
I'm a man that's been with the same woman for five years. I don't have the heart to tell her that I really want to be a woman. I've been cross-dressing since I was very young. I love her very much, and I'm not gay. I don't know how to tell this to her.

Please help,
Closeted

Dear Closeted,
Five years is a long time to keep such a profound desire to yourself. Choosing to deny vital parts of yourself because you fear rejection from your partner just doesn't work. People who try it end up bitter and resentful, or sneaking off to do whatever it is they can't do with their partner, or breaking up. You canÍt keep mum any longer. By speaking up you'll be shaping your life and pursuing your desires. If you don't, you'll be squelching a part of you that's clearly core to your personality. Be loving and straightforward -- what you said here is a good start. You can help her understand your feelings and you can give her resources about transvestism and transgenderism, but you can't make her want to go through your exploration and potential transition if she's not up for it. The only way you'll know is by talking to her. Then itÍs up to her. We do know many transgendered lesbians (born male) who have female partners they hooked up with when they were living as men, and we also know many who have wonderful new girlfriends they met after they transitioned. Have you been able to explore your gender or cross dress in the last five years? Maybe you're interested in sex reassignment surgery, maybe you want to live as a woman and keep your biology intact, or perhaps you would be perfectly satisfied with dressing up in pretty frilly things every now and again. You probably need time and space to explore your gender and your different options. Getting your desires out in the open is an essential starting point. There are some good online resources for transgendered people and their significant others -- take a look at www.tgsf.org and www.sexuality.org for resources and support in your area. Good luck on your journey!

Dear Rachel and Claire,
I've been in a real lesbian relationship for one year now. I love fisting but I still feel a bit misinformed. I've had a few nagging bacterial infections plus I have to pee a lot of more. Do you have any tricks to this trade?

Thanks,
Handy-dandy

Dear Handy,
A hand in the bush can indeed cause the kinds of irritations you mention. Bacterial infections are avoidable. You know what Mom said -- "Wash your hands before you eat." Same principle of hygiene. Have your partner wash her hands with anti-bacterial soap before plunging in. Whether you are experiencing vaginal or urinary tact infections, this should help. As for the peeing issue, I have a few theories. Fisting does put extra pressure on the paraurethral sponge (the G-spot) which surrounds the urinary tract. Plenty of straight and bi-girls who use diaphragms find that the diaphragm ring puts uncomfortable pressure on the urethra (the tube carrying the urine to the outside world), causing increased urination and a tendency towards urinary tract infections (UTIs). Similarly a nice big fist filling the vagina can also irritate the urethra, creating the sensation of needing to pee more. And finally, your PC muscles, the sling of muscles holding your sexual organs in place, may be stretching a bit to make room for the hand, and in so doing may be falling down on their job of helping to control your bladder. What's hand happy girl to do? Kegel exercises. Practice squeezing the muscles you use to stop the flow of urine (check out Tristan Taoromino's The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women, chpt 2). Start off with a small number of repetitions a few times a day, and gradually increase the number. Practice with quick and longer contractions. Many women who are UTI prone find that the herb Uva Ursi, which supports a healthy urinary tract, is not only helpful in treating UTIs but is an effective preventive measure as well. Talk to your local herbalist about whether the herb is right for you. Also urinate before and after every fisting to help rid your body of bacteria in your urinary tract. And drinking lots of water never hurts. Good luck.