Girl Trouble:

Relationships at Work

Question: I have been living with my lover for a little over four years now. In the past year or so our relationship has gotten a lot more difficult. It seems that we argue more and more often than not I'm left feeling like my emotional needs are not being met, that she lacks empathy for what I am going through. This is also affecting our sex life. We still have sex fairly regularly but I'm just not as turned on as I used to be. How can I feel passion for someone that I don't feel really cares about who I am or what I'm going through emotionally?

Are long-term relationships supposed to be this much work? This is my longest one so far and I guess I didn't expect it to be like this. It's gotten to the point that I'm beginning to contemplate having an affair but I think it will make things even worse? Any advice?

Answer: Well this is a rather complex, multi-faceted questioon. Not knowing certain important details such as; did something stressful or traumatic happen to one or both of you to bring out this change in behavour on her part? Is the person you are considering having the affair with part of why your passion is waning? So without being privy to this kind of info I will give you me impressions based upon what I know of the situation and you can sift through and ponder those points that apply to your particular circumstance.

Sometimes, early on in relationships, we tend to overlook some of the less palatable aspects of the other person because we are on something of a chemical high. We are "blissed out" if you will. As time passes and we adjust to the relationship, these aspects become more apparent and demand to be dealt with. Another possibility is that something occurred which changed the dynamic in one or both of you and that issue needs to be brought out into the open and discussed honestly. A third possibility is that one or both of you have changed and are no longer compatable. If your needs are not being met and it is even filtering into your sex life, it is difinately time to suss out exactly what is happening between you and make some decisions, even if they are painful in the short term.

It sounds to me like the waning passion is a matter of trust. Sex is a very intimate way of communication and if there is not trust that the other person will handle your vulnerability with care then naturally one tends to "close" themselves up for fear of harm. If you continue to make love without getting to the root of the problem I fear that the resentment and hurt within you will grow ever deeper until you will one day find that the mere touch of that person will make you cringe. An affair may or may not resolve the issue for you. If you have fallen out of love with your partner, an affair, depending upon with whom you wre having it with, can clarify that. On the other hand, it may well add guilt and further confusion to the mix.

As for whether long-term relationship are "....supposed to be this much work.." the short answer, in my opinion, is no. This is not to say that there will not be difficult times but this whole Pop Psychology notion of "Relationships as Work" seems to me to be utter bullshit. It is important to meditate on the question "What is the nature of Relationship?" While I would not dream of answering that question for another, I can say that I have spent many years and used many venues to explore this topic and for me "Relationship" is just as the word implies; one relating to another. The "work" of relationship is not in the getting someone to fill ones needs per se but to really spend tiime understanding oneself then asking whether the person you are currently "relating" with is fitted for that roll. I relate to many people on many different levels and sometimes issues do come up but I, for the most part, have learned to deal with any conflict that arises fully and completely then let it go. If I am constantly worrying, re-assessing and re-adjusting to another, I am not "relating" to them at all. Then it becomes a matter of the "Relationship having me." Does that make sense? I don't mean to get all esoteric on you but with whom we choose to spend our life with is the of the single most important decisions we make in the course of our lives. Let's not make it lightly.

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