Girl Trouble

Question: My girlfriend and I have been going out together for about six months and have frequent and really hot sex. The other night, after having had what I thought was great sex, she started to tell me about some of her fantasies. The one she talked about most involved tying me up. When I asked her if she was unhappy with our sex she re-assured me that she was happy but that she wanted to spice things up. I have never done anything like this before and am afraid to try it but I want to please her. I was hurt that I wasn't giving her what she needed or that I bored her in bed but I didn't tell her this. What should I do?

Answer: Sexual fantasies can range from fantasising about things you have done, or things you would like to do, or even things which you would never want to do in real life but you enjoy thinking about on the level of a fantasy. Just because your girlfriend is having sexual fantasies, this certainly doesn't mean that there is anything lacking in your sex life together. Just as some people enjoy watching pornography, it doesn't mean that they are unhappy with their own partners. Many couples enjoy sharing their sexual fantasies, to enhance their own sex life, just as some couples share their sex toys or pornographic videos, while others don't feel comfortable doing this. If she says she wants to ïspice things up', this doesn't mean that your sex life was bland to start with, you should instead feel quite happy that your girlfriend feels comfortable enough and trusts you enough to share her sexual fantasies with you. Some people would never dream of sharing the erotic thoughts in their minds with another person, as they feel they may be rejected if they voice their fantasies, or that they may offend their partner (which is how you're feeling now). Please rest assured that your girlfriend isn't bored with your performance in the bedroom, you can also feel extra pleased that her fantasies included you!

However, your sexuality is a very personal thing, and you certainly shouldn't do anything sexual which you do not feel 100% comfortable doing. This is very true when it comes to trying bondage and discipline, some people don't like the idea of giving up control and being tied up by someone else, while other people relish the thought. If you feel uncomfortable with the idea of your girlfriend tying you up, it may be that you don't feel comfortable enough with her at this stage to experiment with this, or you may never be interested in this. If you think you'll never be interested in this, then by all means you must tell her, never do something sexually just to please someone else, it's not worth it and you won't feel good about it afterwards.

If you think that you might enjoy bondage in the future, but still find the thought a little overwhelming, then I suggest you both explore it simply on the level of fantasy to start with. During foreplay, she could describe to you what she'd like to do, and you can imagine the feelings of it. Perhaps you could let her hold your arms down during sex so that you have a taste of what being restrained would feel like, or you could agree to keep your arms by your sides the whole time and not touch her. This could be enjoyable for you both, but wouldn't involve any handcuffs or ropes so you could easily move your arms if you felt uncomfortable with the situation. If you enjoy this, perhaps you could start with a rope tied around one hand, which is then wrapped around a post on the bed (if you don't have bedposts, you can tie a soft rope around the mattress horizontally, and attach ropes to this) and you hold the rope with your other hand, this way you feel restrained, but you're holding the rope yourself and can let go and move your arms at any time. If you both feel comfortable with this situation, you could then move on to ropes or handcuffs secured to the bed (or the rope tied around the mattress). With any of these suggestions, it is very important to both decide on a 'safeword' which you can call out at any time you feel uncomfortable. The word should be something odd which you normally wouldn't

use during a sexual scene, such as 'potato' or 'red', whatever you like. When you say this word you and your girlfriend will agree that the scene ends right there and you will be untied.

Good luck with your situation and please tell your girlfriend of any reluctant feelings you have about the idea of bondage. Just as you wouldn't like your girlfriend to do something sexually that she hated doing just to please you, I'm sure she doesn't want you to do something that you really don't like just to please her. Honesty is the best policy, and there is no reason in the world to go through with something you are not comfortable with.

Leah Baroque
Fetish Editor