lensfucking erotic pictures if you can't get it at home -
you'll find it here!

The 'Lil Princess and I went to one of our favorite dives this week. We sauntered into the dark and empty, but somehow smoky, Chinese Karaoke bar, my husband and ex-boyfriend in tow. You know, the bar with the spider-web-patterned ceiling and the always drunken, quarreling gay boys. There's more than one in every city, you just have to know where to find these little jewels. After many cocktails, and after my boys made fools of themselves struggling with Nirvana and Peter Gabriel tunes, the wanna-be divas got on stage. The Princess was naughty and picked the hideous and tedious Donny Osmond song, "Puppy Love." I wanted to sing, "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend," but was talked out of it by my ex. He explained how incredibly long it was and once I got up there, I'd be sorry. He did have a point, I thought, but then my hubby reminded everyone that I couldn't carry a note if it was in a handbag from Saks. I pouted for an appropriate amount of time and decided on sharing the stage with the Princess. There I was, the place packed now with a motley crew of an audience and all eyes on the royal smut queens. The stupid music began to play and the even stupider lyrics rolled. Laughing so hard we almost peed our panties, we were just a mess, but damnit we looked great. When our voices strained for the notes and our eyes for the words, and all else failed, we just made out. Big sloppy girl smooches right there on stage. That's how we gathered our applause for the evening. We've already made plans to slink back some night and seduce that Karaoke boy who ran the show. I mean, where he sat (drooling), he had a birds-eye view of our ample behinds plus he had sideburns to die for. Oh what Mz. Conduct will do for some nasty little sideburns.

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Dear Mz. Conduct,

I started reading the columns you posted and after reading them I'm still so confused. It seems like most of those people didn't have very good self-images. I do. Everyone says I am pretty and cute and that I look like Brittany Spears! Anyway, I guess your advice was okay and everything, but you seen so - - well, blunt! Take me, for example. People always ask me questions about why I'm so happy all the time? Why I never worry about anything? I just tell them not to worry, that things will always get better. I never tell them why I'm so happy. (You'll see why pretty soon!) Anyway, now I am so confused!

Well, I used to believe that, but then a week ago, when I was being 'nice' to my employer (because he said his wife wouldn't do what I always did), guess what? He fired me the next day? I couldn't understand why? The rest of the guys where I work told me not to take it personally, because they all said I was way better than any of the other girls when I made them feel good. I thought that's what all the girls did? Why do you think he fired me? He said he heard me in the rest room stall with a couple of the guys and he wouldn't put up with that kind of thing in his company? Like, I was so shocked! I thought I was just being nice! The girls who worked with me just whispered and wouldn't look at me and giggled when I went to pick up my things.

Anyway, here is my question. I am going to an interview in a week. Do you think it's wrong for me to be that 'nice' to the man who is going to be interviewing me? And please don't make fun of me being blonde or anything (even though I am) because I know other blondes who feel the same way I do. Their employers never

complain about them! Please give me your best advice, but don't be too blunt, okay? Okay?

Jobless and Confused

Dear J&C,

First of all, I'll be as blunt as I goddamn wanna be, little-miss-KY Jelly-for-brains! Second of all, Brittany silicone-on-a-stick Spears only looks good bent over with a bag on her head...at best. Why you hula-hoop around, deliriously happy to resemble her, is beyond me. Anyway, as I'm so fond of saying, there is nothing wrong with being a slutty little tuna melt as long as you're coiffed, clean, and lipstick is applied evenly. One more adjective I should add here: smart. At least smart enough to tell an uncut dog dick from a tube of lipstick, and frankly I don't think you pass.

Straddle as many fellow employers as you want but if you're doing the boss too, then for crying in a fuckin' bucket, use your gaaddamn flea brain for more insightful thoughts than, "Should I favor all men because, um, I'm alive?"

You can sue your boss for sexual harassment, you can TRY to get a job without blowing anyone -- however it may be you all you've got -- and you can shave your head and stop giving even us bleached blondes a bad name.

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Okay Mz. Everything,

I have a question for you. How do you go about asking someone if they would like to join you in a threesome? If it's a couple pursuing a third party, should both members of the couple approach the person or only one? Hell, how do you decide how to pick a third person in the first place?

Three's Company

Dear TC,

It's not easy, let me tell you. Not easy, that is, if you are selective. If you don't mind that the person doesn't have teeth, can't spell his/her own name correctly and smells of yesterday's lunch, then it'll be a breeze. Otherwise I'd suggest talking it all out with your partner first; what you want, what they would want, individual turn-ons, etc. It's sure fun to fantasize with though, and that's another step. When you're out with your partner, people-watch big-time. See how that curvy chick sidles her hips onto that barstool and imagine the positions you could all be in, with and without the barstool involved. The imagination is fab baby, and the positions are endless, especially with that boy -- hmmm, can he really be of age? -- who just took your martini order. This way, along with sprouting boners and/or wet panties, you can get an idea of what sort of person you both would agree on.

There is in fact a subculture of people who swing or singles who are interested in getting together with a couple. Unless you search out a club that tends to cater to that subculture- and there are plenty of those around- you could put an ad in the personals. This way you can ask for correspondence via email. Request photos and a little info on the person, etc. thus weeding out the undesirables and/or the people you don't agree on meeting at least. You can go from there, meeting people, finding out if there is any chemistry and so on.

Via con martinis!

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Dear Mz. Conduct,

I have a girlfriend who has three dogs. Two are pretty big and one is even unfixed. When he gets excited, his penis comes out and it's enormous. I've teased my girlfriend about not needing me around when she's got that dog, and we laugh about it.

Lately I've been thinking how it would turn me on to see her getting the bone from her big dog and I've even masturbated to that thought...a lot. I want to suggest this to her but wonder what you thought about it?

Doggie Style

Dear DS,

This is what I think; I'm reporting you to the Humane Society as soon as I get through telling your girlfriend what a freak you are and her poor poochies aren't safe around you!

Personally I draw the line with poo and animal sex. Hey, how about all three of your girlfriend's dogs take a big steamy poo on your face? Have your fantasies if you must, you sick boy, but keep this one to yourself! Here you go, you twisted mo fo, http://www.bestiality.com/ and merry freakin' Christmas.

Remember to send in those nagging, sexually oriented conundrums. The person with the question I like the best, will get a box of sorted odds and ends from my sultry, sex scented boudoir! guttergrl69@hotmail.com

copyright 2001 all rights reserved Kim Alvarez