Oral Connoisseurs by Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.

Being a skilled oral lover is a very important component of a couple's sexual relationship for both the male and the female. There are few things more pleasurable for either man or woman than to be savored, devoured and satisfied orally by their lover. It is one of the most intimate gifts we can give one another.

Since women are more likely to orgasm during oral sex rather than intercourse, it is often the women's preferred type of sex. Being able to pleasure your woman orally is essential to her satisfaction. Knowing how to give your woman exquisite oral pleasure, will leave her aching and craving you. Giving oral to his woman is also one of the biggest sources of arousal for a man. Her aroma, flavor and vulnerability turn him into a hungry lion.

It is no secret that men enjoy fellatio immensely, but sometimes women underestimate the importance of this. Okay, some of you women may get angry with me for this next statement, but it is a reality that women must face. If you do not give your man oral, the chances are very great that he will get it elsewhere. It is one of his most basic sexual needs. There is probably nothing that would make your man happier than oral sex on a regular basis. If you provide this for him, you will be irresistible to him.

Why is fellatio so important to a man? The penis is the most sensitive and vulnerable part of the man's body. A male's identity is strongly associated with his penis. His semen is like a rare nectar that he wants to give to you as a gift. It makes your man feel loved, accepted and received when you give him oral sex. When you refuse it, he feels rejected. One of the best ways to show your man how much you love him and keep his eyes from wandering is to give him fellatio.

If you have an aversion to fellatio, it would be wise to seek someone to discuss this with, unless your partner feels the same way and it is not an issue in the relationship. There may be many reasons why you don't like to give oral sex that can be overcome. You may feel it is disgusting or dirty, or you may feel used or disrespected. You may view it unconsciously as something that bad girls do. These are some of the inaccurate messages that women receive growing up and sometimes they become internalized. By talking these things out with a professional, perhaps you can undo the conditioning and learn to enjoy oral sex.

It may also be helpful to try and think about how much you love your man, how sweet and precious he is to you, as you give him fellatio. Try to see the penis as an extension of who he is. Show him how much you love and adore him, how very special he is, by focusing on pleasuring his penis. If it is the flavor that is distasteful to you, you can try drinking a tasty warm tea prior to sex, or brushing your teeth immediately before for the nice minty aftertaste it leaves in your mouth. Another option is to coat the penis with something flavorful or to suck on a breath mint while performing. If it is the semen that is disliked, you can try keeping a glass of your favorite tasty beverage nearby to drink afterwards, or keep the breath mint in your mouth during and after ejaculation.

Men, you can help your woman become more willing by making sure you are fresh and clean. You also need to show your lover respect and appreciation for her act. Assure her that you love and respect her before and after fellatio. This should be the case in every relationship, but for the reluctant women a little extra effort will be required. If you have an aversion to cunnilingus, all the above can be applied to you as well, to help you find it more enjoyable.

Simply performing the motions of oral sex is not enough, one must be effective and know their woman's or man's secret buttons. One must also enjoy it. It is an incredible turn on for both men and women to see the delight in their lover's face and actions as they pleasure them or to hear their moans of enjoyment. Pay attention to your lover's body language and read their signals. Adjust your pressure, speed, direction and rhythm according to their desires and preferences.

A favorite approach for the man is to lie between the man's legs while he is on his back propped up on a pillow so he can watch, or kneel on the floor between his legs while he stands above you. To really drive your man wild, look him in the eyes occasionally as you're going up and down his shaft. Delight in your lover's penis. Worship it. Show how much you enjoy it with moans of pleasure and desire. Use your hands, tongue and lips. Alternate between stroking with your hand and stroking with your mouth. While stroking with your hand, suck, kiss or lick his head. Run your tongue up and down the length of his shaft, then caress and roll the testicles around tenderly with your tongue. The most sensitive areas of the penis are on the underside and along the coronal ridge, which is along the edges of the head.

Caress his shaft and head with your mouth, then engulf his head with your mouth and slide down to the base. Take it all in, baby! Every now and then tell him how beautiful his penis is and how much you love it. It may be very enjoyable to your man if you allow him to hold onto your head while you deep throat him or perhaps pull your hair a little bit. Not mean and vicious pulling, but down and dirty pulling. It can also be very arousing for the woman to have her hair pulled. It brings out the animal in both sexes.

Once down to the base, pull out to the tip nice and slow with deep suction, then go back down again. Increase your pace with each dive. It can provide exquisite pleasure for your man to rub his anus or insert your finger in his anus while you are licking and sucking him. When pleasuring your man it is very important to know that you should swallow at least part of the time! It can be insulting and is usually a turn off for your man if you act repulsed by his semen. It is a loving gift to delight in your partner's ejaculation by swallowing, or at other times, a fun alternative can be to watch the ejaculation shooting in various places such as on your breasts, face, buttocks, abdomen or wherever you prefer and then rubbing and caressing the semen on one another. Once he has come, it can be very pleasurable for some men to continue sucking and licking him tenderly while he is soft.

You will keep your man very satisfied and happy if you provide him with spontaneous unexpected oral sex. Give him a surprise wake up call in the morning by slipping between his legs, or wake him up from a nap with a little oral delight, or while he's watching football or driving the car. Nothing will make your man happier than you being his little cockhound. Keeping your man satisfied and surprised with oral pleasure will keep him faithful, devoted and enchanted by you.

The most effective way to pleasure your woman is to have her lie down on her back and approach her from the front. Lie between her legs. The parting of the thighs is very erotic and should be done sensuously with some kisses. Don't be in a hurry to get to the clitoris. It's more exciting for the woman if you take your time. Kiss, nibble and lick your way down her thighs. The inner thigh and the area where the leg meets the pelvic area are usually a very sensitive erogenous spot. Tease her a little by taking your time. Delight in her and remember to let her know how much you enjoy her. I know for myself that seeing my lover enjoying himself is as arousing as the sex itself. Make her feel cherished. Nuzzle in her bush or if you prefer shaved, nuzzle or kiss the bare mound. Now run your tongue between her pussy lips and slowly make your way to the clitoris.

It is important to learn what your lover likes because the clitoris is very sensitive and the wrong type of stimulation will not be pleasurable. Some women need the hood pulled back with the clitoris fully exposed and other women need the hood left in place. Or, she may need you to go back and forth between the two. The hot zone on the clitoris can be in different areas for different women. It may be on the left or may be on the right or somewhere in between. She will know, so let her show you. If she does not know, then explore it together and find her wonderful little pleasure zone. This is the spot you need to rub, lick and stimulate for her to bring about clitoral orgasm.

Once you know what she prefers, slide your tongue back and forth or up and down. Start out slowly and then increase pressure and speed. Get her very excited and then slide your tongue down between her vagina lips again and explore the depths of her cavern with your tongue while rubbing her clitoris with your finger. But don't stay away too long, bring that tongue back up to the clitoris and resume licking. Then slide your finger inside her vagina and locate her G-spot, press and rub it simultaneously as you continue to lick her clitoris. This will drive your woman wild and create earth-shaking orgasms for her. You can increase her pleasure even more by slipping a finger inside her anus as she approaches orgasm.

Make love to your woman's vagina, but also make love to her body and mind first. Once you have brought her to orgasm it is very easy to bring her there again by repeating the process, you will be adored by your woman if you do. She will be mesmerized by your oral lovemaking skill.

When pleasuring your woman or man, focus your complete concentration on them. Make them feel special. Make them feel like there is no one else in the world you enjoy more. It's also a good idea to shower or wash genitals before oral sex for both males and females, as this will ensure a clean and fresh aroma and flavor. Although, this may not always be possible when providing unexpected delights. As always communication is essential to making oral sex its best. Let your lover know what you prefer, guide them lovingly to touch you as you need touched.

Soul-Satisfying Sex

Any activity that is soul-satisfying is something that nurtures our soul, makes us feel whole, complete, satisfied, euphoric and deeply connected with the universe, God, or whatever your spiritual connections. So, soul-satisfying sex is sex that provides us with these wonderful feelings. Soul-satisfying sex can only occur with people we are connected to emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. This includes our connection to ourselves. If you are connected to that person on all these levels, then the more satisfying the sex will be. Sure, we can have good sex with someone we are only attracted to on a physical level, but that is not fulfilling for our souls. It will only satisfy us physically and leave us empty emotionally and spiritually. We usually feel like we are missing something in our life and unfulfilled. The thing we are missing is deep connections to another person and soul satisfaction.

Although I personally am not comfortable with casual sex and would much rather go without than be with someone I'm not connected to, it does not mean it is bad or wrong if you have sex without connection. There may be times in your life when you are not able to find a soul-fulfilling connection, and still feel the need to meet your sexual needs, and that is okay as long as it is always respectful and both parties are comfortable with that, however, I believe striving for deep connections should be the goal.

The deeper our connections with the person we are having sex with, the more exciting, satisfying and ecstatic our sex will be. You will experience sex that takes you to a higher level of consciousness and cements you to your lover. Not only will you have a physical orgasm, but also you will have a body, mind and spirit orgasm, which is an orgasm like no other. You will experience total euphoria, complete bliss and heights of passion like you never experienced before. The ultimate spiritual high is achieved when engaging in soul-satisfying sex.

Deep connections with other people may be very frightening. It means we can be hurt and we may be afraid to expose our true selves to others. Thus, hopping from partner to partner can become an easy way to avoid intimacy and the risk of being hurt, but ultimately what happens is that you short change yourself from experiencing the deepest, most passionate, mind blowing sex you can find. You also lose out on the profound complete satisfaction and emotional, physical, and spiritual fulfillment that naturally blooms in soul connections. You will prevent yourself from reaching your highest potential sexually and as a human being.

Another component of soul-satisfying sex is communication. In order to really connect with another we need to communicate. In order to communicate we need to have some type of a relationship. The more we get to know someone the more we share of ourselves. Great sex requires communication. Most of us find it difficult to communicate intimately with a stranger. We need to foster a relationship before we communicate too much. Therefore, the deeper our connections with our lover the freer we will be to communicate our desires, needs, wants, and fantasies, etc. Thus, the more two lovers understand each other the better they will be able to satisfy one another. The more we communicate the better the sex will be and the connection will deepen. The deeper the connection the more we will communicate. Therefore, it becomes reciprocal, with each feeding the other. The greater the intimacy, the better the sex and this will create bonds so intense that desires for each other and the desire and willingness to please each other will be raging.

One of the most wonderful aspects about soul-satisfying sex is that it has no limits. When two people continue to deepen their intimacy, connections and bonds to one another, they can always reach new heights of ecstasy that were not reached before.

Valentine's Day or (Any Day) Suggestions

Dress up in a red garter and stockings or a red negligee and heels with a red rose between your teeth and do a sexy strip tease for your lover.

Send her/him roses. Go to the flower shop to make the order and give them an enclosed envelope to send with the flowers. In the envelope leave her/him a loving/naughty message telling them how much you love them or care for them and what delicious things you are going to do with their body.

Write him/her an erotic story detailing all his/her favorite techniques, positions, fantasies and desires. For example: if he/she particularly loves oral, then go into great detail focusing on all the specifics of what you know he/she loves.

In your Valentine's Day card, hand write your feelings telling them how special and important they are, or why not make your own Valentine's card. Enclose a sexy message telling your lover what is going to happen that evening.

Buy your lover a box of chocolates and tell them they must eat them off of your body where you will strategically place them. This will be incredibly fun and pleasurable for both of you.

Buy her lingerie, which will be pleasurable for both of you. She, because it is a lovely, sexy present and you, because she will wear it for you.

Buy yourself a beautiful piece of lingerie that you know your partner will love and surprise them by serving their dinner while wearing it. More than likely dinner will be pushed aside till later!

Give your lover a delightful erotic massage with your hands, lips and tongue!

Don't Worry About Penis Size

I find it deeply disturbing that I see massive amounts of advertisements not only across the net but now even in mainstream advertising for penis enlargement. What is most distressing is the fact that people who desire to make money are preying on one of men's biggest vulnerabilities and fears to simply make money. In addition to that, they are promoting an unhealthy, inaccurate perception in our society that having a really big penis is one of the most important factors to sex, relationships and women. This simply is not true.

This massive campaign to make money is making men feel inadequate and uncomfortable. It is falsely promoting a view that a big penis is what makes a man desirable. It is also setting up an ideal and expectations for men that are really impossible to live up to. The average size of an erect penis is 5-7 inches, some people are bigger than this, and some people are smaller than this. Whatever you have been born with, that is the way that nature intended it, and therefore, it is adequate and satisfactory.

These continual advertisements are also giving men the inaccurate perception that they must increase their penis size because that is what women want. This is absurd. What is most important to a woman is what kind of lover you are, what kind of person you are, how you feel about her and how you treat her. Being unselfish and meeting her needs sexually and emotionally will make you a great lover in her eyes. If you have a penis that is 10 inches long and you are selfish or don't know how to meet your woman's needs, then your size is completely irrelevant. You do not need a big penis to be an incredible lover and satisfy your woman. Yes, for some women more girth and length do feel incredibly good, but there are many ways she can achieve this with her lover.

If she does enjoy the feel of more girth and length than you have been endowed with or if you both want to play and experiment, then you can always add something such as a dildo, vibrator or even something like a zucchini out of the fridge to give her the added sensation. The zucchini is firm, but flexible, and is a fantastic penis surrogate. Doing these things together will enhance the experience for both of you. Using one of these options on her vaginally while stimulating her clitoris orally will give her exquisite pleasure. Adding a variety of positions and being adventurous such as doing it in a new location will also be very pleasurable. You can also purchase a penis ring (cock ring) from most any adult toy store to add to your sexual adventure. The penis ring placed along the base of the penis restricts the flow of blood out of the penis and can increase size and hardness. It can also prolong the erection. Many men find that they experience a more intense pleasurable orgasm with the use of a penis ring.

But most important to remember is that intercourse is only one way of satisfying a woman. The majority of women cannot orgasm with intercourse alone, regardless of how big the penis is, because it does not provide sufficient stimulation to the clitoris. Pleasuring your woman with your hands and your mouth can be just as satisfying, if not more so, than intercourse. Being attentive to your woman's body and mind will enhance her experience. Making your woman feel loved, special, cherished, appreciated and desired will make sex great for her. For more tips on how to pleasure your woman read my article "Pleasuring Her". http://www.holistichelp.net/sexandsoul/pleasureher.html

Finding the Elusive G

Clitoral orgasms are fantastic, but by adding G-spot stimulation you can increase the intensity of pleasure and variety of sensations to even more fulfilling heights. Having an orgasm that is both clitoral and G-spot simultaneously is as good as it gets.

So where is the elusive G? Many people don't know where it is and think it is difficult to find. It is not hard to find at all and when you do you will be very happy to make its acquaintance. You might be able to locate it by squeezing your PC muscles. You can locate your PC muscles by trying to stop your flow of urine by squeezing the muscles in your vagina. When stopping the flow of urine, notice which muscles you feel squeezing. You may feel a slight surge of arousal in these muscles. That area where the arousal surges is the G-spot.

You can also locate the G by lying on your back and bending your knees. Spread your legs and slide two of your fingers just about an inch inside your vagina and then press upwards towards your belly button. You will find a spongy area that has ridges on it approximately the size of a quarter. Pleasurable sensations from this spot may extend forward to the edge of your opening and up to your clitoris. You can try looking for your G-spot when you are alone or it can be fun for you and your lover to explore it together and find new paths of pleasure.

Once you find it, there are a variety of ways to stimulate it. Manually, orally, with toys, with various positions of penetration, or with anal sex. Stimulation of the G spot can, but not always, produce female ejaculation that is different from the typical juices or wetness produced from arousal or clitoral orgasms. It can even gush out. It is a clear odorless liquid. It is not urine.

Manually you can stimulate the G by thrusting, rubbing or pressing. What works best is to press and rub simultaneously in a circular motion. You can pump, grind or thrust your hips with the movement of the hands. Something for the vagina walls to wrap around while contracting will enhance the pleasure of the G orgasm. This can be the penis, a vibrator or dildo or even something out of your crisper drawer in the refrigerator. A zucchini is very flexible and provides a good firm surface to wrap around and provide stimulation. Your lover can use one hand on your G-spot and one hand on your clitoris for dual stimulation. Producing orgasm in both areas is profoundly pleasurable.

Another incredibly satisfying treat to give your lover is to lick, suck and probe the clitoris orally while stimulating the G either with your hand, vibrator, dildo, etc. Again this produces extremely satisfying orgasms.

The angle of entry in anal penetration provides direct stimulation of the G-spot. Having something for the anus to contract around as well as the vagina walls during orgasm gives immense enjoyment. You can also stimulate the clitoris with your own hand while your lover is penetrating anally, or they can reach around and stimulate it for you.

A variety of positions are good for G-spot stimulation such as Doggy Style and Woman on Top.

If your partner is away, adding G-spot stimulation to your masturbation is a wonderful way of self-pleasuring. You can use a vibrator on your clitoris and your hand on your G or vice versa. You can slip one finger in your anus and give yourself double penetration while rubbing your clitoris. Double penetration with clitoral stimulation creates earth-shaking orgasms, even when you are doing it alone.

Erotic Communication

Most of us know that communication is essential to great sex, but our words can also be used as a powerful aphrodisiac. Erotic communication enhances our sexual pleasure, connects us more deeply with our lover and increases our passion. Erotic communication is not something that we should do just during the act of lovemaking; it is something we want to incorporate into part of our daily routine. The right erotic words at the right time can build a burning inferno, make your lover weak and breathless and enhance your orgasms immensely.

We can begin with little sensual, loving, erotic statements throughout the day where we tell our lover things such as:

"You felt wonderful last night."

"You have a gorgeous ass."

"I love your body."

"You're really important to me."

"You are so sexy and make me so excited."

"You're lips taste so good."

"You feel so good in my arms."

By communicating with our lover in this way on a regular and frequent basis, we keep the flow of passion going and increase our intimacy.

To build that level of passion to a higher level we can call our lover at work and tell them either in person or on their voice mail:

"Hey baby, tonight when you get home I can't wait to run my tongue up and down the length of your shaft. I'm thinking about you. See you tonight."

Or "Hello sweetheart just wanted to let you know I'm not wearing any panties and my pussy is so hot and wet. See you tonight."

Or as your lover is on the way out the door kiss them and tell them what delicious things you will be doing to their body when you see them again.

By planting these little erotic messages in their head it stays with them when they are away and they fantasize about it and then desires and passion mount and when you are together again it enhances your sexual experience together.

As we approach the act of lovemaking and during the act there are numerous words we can use to increase excitement, express our feelings and enhance our pleasure. We can tell our lover how much we want them, how attractive they are and how much we enjoy them. Phrases such as these can be very effective:

"You feel so good."

"You feel so fucking good."

"It turns me on when you lick me like that."

"I want you so bad."

"I want your cock inside me now."

"I love you."

"You're a fantastic lover."

Let your lover know how much you enjoy his penis or her vagina and how great it is.

"Oh baby, your cock feels so good."

"Oh sweetheart your pussy is so beautiful."

Whatever it is you are feeling, tell them. It will drive them wild.

We can also use erotic communication to guide our lover to satisfy us more fully. To let them know what we want, what we like and what feels good, try some phrases like these: "Oh honey, that feels so good when you lick my nipples, but it would feel even better if you did it like this," and then show them what you want. Or, "That really feels great baby, but I would really love it if you would move your hand a little faster or slower," whatever the case may be. "Oh that feels fantastic, but can you touch me here" and guide your lover's hand where you need to be touched.

After sex we can use erotic words to complete the act, to leave each other satisfied and to enhance intimacy and closeness.

"That was great sweetheart, I particularly liked it when you did É.."

"Oh, sweetheart you are such a fantastic lover."

"Oh I love to make love with you or I love to fuck you," whatever you're in the mood for.

We can also use erotic moans, groans, ooohs, ahs, and yes's. These can be just as arousing as words themselves. They will give cues to your lover as to what you are enjoying. It is likewise a big turn on for your man to hear you make moans of pleasure when giving him oral. He loves to hear how much you enjoy him.

An important factor in erotic communication is for each partner to know what words turn them on and to communicate this to the other. There are different styles of language for different people and what is erotic and stimulating for one can be a turn off for another. One person may want to hear this: "I want to make love with you" and another person may want to hear "I want to fuck you," or another person may want to hear "I want you so bad." Or the same person may want to hear all these different statements depending on what they are in the mood for at that particular time. Sometimes we want to make love and other times we want to fuck.

So it is very important to know and respect your lover's style and to let your lover know yours. Tell your lover what you want and ask them what they want to hear. Tell your lover to tell you: " Oh baby your pussy tastes so good" or "I love your pussy." If a particular word is offensive to you then inform your lover of that. For instance, I am offended by the word "cunt," it is a total turn off for me. If that word or any other word is offensive to you, then you need to let your lover know or it will interrupt your eroticism. If your lover enjoys words that are not erotic for you, then you should discuss this outside the bedroom and find mutually arousing words or you could agree on taking turns on saying what the other one wants to hear.

If this is a new behavior for you, it may feel awkward at first, but with practice you will become more comfortable. You can try saying these words and statements when you are alone, out loud, to begin the process. Sometimes we may have negative associations with certain words and it may take some time to associate the words with something positive.

Learn to caress your lover with words and the passion and desire between you will be blazing.

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Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed., is a writer and sex educator/advisor specializing in sexual intimacy and erotic communication between couples to keep the spark alive. She holds a Bachelors degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Counseling. http://www.holistichelp.net/sexandsoul/ She is also the author of the New Hot Sex Guide for couples titled "SMOLDERING EMBERS-Hot Erotic Stories and Sex Tips to Light a Couple's Fire. Available at iUniverse or Amazon.com http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?isbn=0-595-25965-0