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Mz.
Conduct's House Of Sin #24
"Happy Hoyden In Heels"
by mz. conduct,
After a week
of blubbering, blathering, inhaling oodles of ciggies, and up-chucking
Chardonnay, IÕve come to realize one thing; you must be your own true
self and that true self should be cultivated, cherished, and celebrated.
No matter what.
The other day, I sat next to a lovely individual, in a sticky and magazine-free,
government office no less, who had his Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned and was
scratching and burping simultaneously. It took forty-five minutes for
them to call my name.
Another day, wanting to do a good thing, I gave two toothless transients
a ride in the back of my truck. I was feeling camaraderie of sorts. I
bet myself a martini that when they baled out, theyÕd ask me for cash.
I was overdrawn, penniless and fridge bare, but thatÕs beside the point.
I won the bet.
Driving home one afternoon, I had an enormous tree branch fall and miss
my car by two inches. I screeched on my brakes and got out of the car
in wild disbelief. By this time, a line of traffic was behind me and I
was trying to wrestle and drag this twelve-foot tree limb to the side
of the road. Finally some slow-witted men came and took over, mumbling
macho threats about calling the city and such.
I had a wee hour intruder at two in the morning one night, although he
did call first, does that count? Mister Wild Bill and his adorable appendage
came over to cheer me up a bit. I wasnÕt much of a hostess with the mostess
though and decided right then that I deserve much more, even if I am an
inevitable gutterslut.
The transient trollop and I have already perfectly pictured ourselves
as eighty-year-old lesbians. WeÕll end up living together, sitting around
in our holey fishnets and fuzzy slippers, chain smoking hand rolled ciggies
and screeching at each other over who drank all the gin. Que sera sera.
This week calls for martinis by the score and lots of young, supple tramps
in Betty Rubble attire to serve them to me, donÕt you agree?
"If I donÕt drive around the block, IÕm pretty sure to make my mark.
If IÕm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain
from fun and such, IÕll probably amount to much. But I shall stay the
way I am because I do not give a damn."
Dorothy Parker
Be submissive this week and send me your questions. CÕmon, give me a reason
to live (cough, cough.) guttergrl69@hotmail.com
Dear Mz. Conduct,
IÕve been reading your columns and theyÕre very, very funny. The guy who
answered your personal ad and mentioned his short stature being good for
stand up sex sparked my interest. My only problem being at 6'3" IÕm
not much good at
stand up sex unless she's taller than me. I tried doing it on the stairs,
but that doesn't work too well if she's a little heavy. The only way it
works is if she's supple enough to put her legs around my waist and lets
me do the standing. My partner isnÕt too heavy, but we tend to do it in
various positions indoor and outside. Sometimes we do it in public. ItÕs
naughty and nice except the height difference makes some positions impossible....
donÕt think I really fancy amputation though.
So whaddya advise?
Standing Tall
Dear ST,
Okay, so IÕll toss out my suggestion of amputation then, damnit. YouÕve
got to be creative in the stand-up sex area. If your partner is shorter,
she can wear heels. Wet leather, seven inchers work well for me and a
man about your height, and IÕm an average five foot five. Heels of all
kinds can do more for the mood than you may know. That way you donÕt have
to try and hoist an ample derriere as your manhood is being thrust into
a frenzy. Unless youÕre Arnold and Maria itÕs a slim chance in hell itÕll
work by sheer bicep boosting.
I canÕt stress the shoe thang enough. Boots look excellent thrown over
a shoulder, whether they be the chunky, big soled type or the spiky-heeled,
trash queen variety. The point is, they can be an extra turn on at the
same time they serve the height barrier.
Also, stairways are really quite nice, you dolt. They offer a little stepping
stool to her tunnel of lust. You just let her bend over all the way, you
know, "CÕmon Skippy grab your ankles." IÕm thinking now of the
ever so careful rendezvous Mz. Conduct once attended, in the middle of
a lake, in a small canoe. Now that takes talent honey!
Dear Mz. Conduct,
IÕve been hanging out with a girl I met that has me wondering. She likes
to do lots of the same things that I do: golf, poker, hiking, drinking.
She is pretty, but wears no make up at all and isnÕt high maintenance
which I have to admit is very refreshing. The last time we went out, we
had a lot of fun and a lot to drink and ended up back at my house. We
ended up just passing out though. In the morning she suggested we go play
golf and I was all for that, so we did.
All I could think about was how I wanted to, at the very least, kiss her
and I asked her about past boyfriends. All she said was that she liked
that we could just hang out and honestly only enjoys sex twenty percent
of the time. That made me leave it at that. I donÕt want to lose her friendship
by putting the moves on her. How can I hold on to what we have and also
encourage more?
Wanting a Hole In One
Dear WAHIO,
Uh, why donÕt you let this girl come see me and IÕll feel her out, so
to speak. Honey, if sheÕs not a luscious lesbian then IÕll eat my butt
plug! My suggestion is to go on being her friend, she obviously trusts
you at this point. SheÕll let you know -- just take the bag off your head
and pay attention. Get to know her and in time maybe ask what in hellÕs
hula skirts she means by "only enjoying sex 20% of the time."
Now if youÕre plotting a sneak attack at the movie theatre with the olÕ
penis in the popcorn box maneuver or some equally idiotic man-type gestures,
IÕd suggest just moving to a southern state a.s.a.p. Otherwise just play
it by ear. Enjoy being with a beautiful and fun woman. You may learn something,
but somehow I doubt it.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
My husband and I have been married for fourteen years and we just donÕt
seem to have any time for sex. I donÕt know when it started going downhill,
but our busy schedules keep us from having any intimate time together.
We donÕt have kids, but we have our careers and on top of that: yard and
house work, various and ongoing projects, and our volunteer work and community
projects. Do you have any suggestions?
Busy Bee
Dear B.B.,
Lop off my labia and call me Dick! I canÕt personally even imagine this
scenario although I realize itÕs more than likely a common problem, especially
in this day and age. Good God woman, how can you cheerfully volunteer
and be a productive part of the community when youÕre all sexually bottled
up and ready to release about a pound and a half of fluid at any given
time? Listen, if you have time to chop a cucumber for a salad, you have
time to bend over the kitchen sink and let your husband use his cucumber
for more nutritious explorations.
It doesnÕt always have to be a romantic, candle lit, all-nighter. Lollipops
and Lincoln logs, you donÕt have kids banging on your bedroom door so
while youÕre planning the weeks corporate meetings, pen in an hour for
a romp. Call the hubby on his cell phone and ask to meet him somewhere,
you know do lunch, do him. You can also slip into the shower with your
hubby and kill two birds with one bone, so to speak. Maybe sit on his
lap while heÕs filing reports or polishing off the lasagna. He never even
has to get up! Sit on his lap and talk about the first thing that pops
up. ThatÕs what we used to say in grade school before we knew what it
meant. Well, maybe I knew, but at the time I felt I was too young to be
outed as the gutterslut that I am. Anyway, my point is that if you want
it bad enough you will find time. If you make the time, it will be a healthful
and helpful aspect in the rest of your daily life. Just think how much
better youÕll feel, the endless blush on your face as you deliver those
geriatric lunches, bake those cakes for the neighborhood sale, or what
ever floats your altruistic boat. Take care of yourself, even if you are
over-achieving yuppie scum. ThatÕs my motto for life.
copyright 2001 all rights reserved Kim Alvarez
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