"Did you ever feel like the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?" George Gobel

 

Last summer I picked up a little paperback book at a garage sale for a quarter, no less. All the Grand Dames of advice are my motivational goddesses and I had to have this one for sure. It was Amy Vanderbilt's "Answers to Everyday Etiquette", published in 1957, the glorious year Mz. Conduct was born screaming into this oh-so-deserving world. The back cover describes the handbook as "a down-to-earth guide to gracious modern living; carefully arranged and ready for use." It's a hoot to say the least and full of chuckles such as this one:

"Dear Amy, In my work I travel quite a lot on trains. Is it ever correct for me to permit a man to buy me a drink, either alcoholic or non-alcoholic, on these trips? Miss W.P."

Here is Ms. Vanderbilt's answer:

"Dear W.P., No, never permit strangers, especially men, to buy drinks for you on a train or in a terminal. And do not accept any invitations from such strangers for entertainment at the end of the journey, unless you arrange for friends or business acquaintances to join you. This rule applies even to older women traveling for business or social purposes."

Well, tawdry trollops in a bar car, my advice would be a tad different of course. I say if a man wants to buy you a cocktail, you let him girl! And my rule applies especially to us older woman. Unless he's drooling pools of saliva on his pocket pencil protector and has a problem forming a sentence, I would graciously swill gin until the end of the line. And if he invites you to a wild bash in the hills, Beverly that is -- movie stars, swimming pools -- Sushi on a swizzle stick, woman, you go! Have fun, meet people. Life is shorter than my last date's dick.

A box full of sex books I ordered just came in the mail and I am a damn happy hoyden. It's snowing monster flakes, the fire is blazing and my martini waits. I can't think of a better way to spend an evening than reading about the clitoris, the illicit behavior in the 16th century King's quarters and the challenges of masturbation. Actually, I can think of a better evening but there seems to be a moratorium on penises tonight. And there's nothing like checking one of your email accounts and having big blue letters come up to remind you "your box is empty". Thanks so much. Well, as Winnie the Pooh would say (and I'm pretty sure he was without a penis as well) "Ho Hum". Oh please people, empty your heads and fill my box. guttergrl69@hotmail.com

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Dear Mz. Conduct, I am 34 and my husband is 45. We have been married for seven years. He works constantly and I rarely see him at all. When he has time off, he wants to either be alone or just watch sports. I have asked him to spend more time with me and he will for awhile but then it always goes back to the same old thing. I am getting so frustrated, what should I do short of killing him dead? Losing the Love in Rome

Dear LtLiL, Yeah, you don't want to kill him at this point. You most likely haven't checked his will or insurance policies lately and besides, it's messy and exhausting and dragging the body around will just throw your back out.

You need to sit him down without any interruptions taking place and tell him seriously that you must have some more of his attentions, bottom line. Ask him if he really wants to be with you because it's not what his behavior is telling you. Ask if he's willing to try some counseling with you. When you're in a partnership with someone, there has to be communicative networking going on at all times. In a partnership each person must listen to the other's needs and then make certain compromises based on those needs. When one person refuses or procrastinates and doesn't fulfill their end of the partnership, then it's up to the unhappiest one (you) to make some changes. We can't depend on someone else to make us happy, it has to come from within first. Basically, ask yourself this: is it worth it to you to remain in this relationship and stress yourself into a murderous frenzy? If it isn't then suck or get off the cock. If you decide it's worth it to be ignored and disrespected then live with it and quit whining. But honey, at least grab that pretty, young man at the shoe store, and on a regular basis, have him stuff that size nine into your empty, little Roman box.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I'm a 43-year-old man in a twelve-year marriage. My wife and I have been using the chat lines and ICQ to bring some fantasy into our sex life. It has been fun, but lately my wife gets extremely jealous when I'm on the computer so much and it's not working so well anymore. Now I want a real threesome but I don't know how to go about it. Can you help?

Asking in Aussie Land

Dear AiAL, Kangaroos on a keypad, why would you try and coax your wife into a threesome when she's already made it clear that she's become insecure with the cheap thrills of a chat room? I can only assume that you want your wife and another woman concluding this threesome. How would you feel about another man with you and your wife? Whatever the menagerie, hold off for now.

Listen to what your wife is telling you when she says she's jealous. Jealously is an unnecessary emotion, mind you, but nevertheless if it's what she's feeling then it's coming from somewhere and there's an insecurity behind it. Why not put the ICQ on "out to lunch" for a while and concentrate on the just the two of you. A bit of role-playing may be just the ticket. Act out your fantasies with each other even if you feel silly at first. Maybe she needs more attention. I wouldn't know anything about that mind you (cough cough). Maybe too much of your time is spent on the Internet instead of focusing on one another. Thus, your wife isn't getting your time, some acne scarred, four hundred pound "blonde, blue-eyed, model type" is. You don't need as much of the Internet as you need your imagination.

Sexual Role-Playing can be very bonding. Acting out your fantasies is an extremely healthy way to explore your sexual life. Role playing; taking on the persona of a different person (i.e., French maid, pirate, nurse) is essential to fantasy. By taking on a different role we free ourselves of our so-called 'normal' boundaries and it helps us to discover new things about ourselves.

Just get your head out of computer and put it into your wife. Bring up the threesome idea only after you two have resumed a closeness. Make it a fantasy for now which can be great in itself and see how she reacts. You don't have to put the idea in the trash, but for now, put in in a Hefty bag near the back door. If it starts to permeate, figure it's a no go.

Copyright 2002 All Rights Reserved Kim Alvarez