Mz Conducts
House Of Sin
Pouring it on Thick
By mz kimi
sticky sweet syrup o' love
"I know everybody here wants you. I know everybody here
thinks they need you. Ięll be waiting right here just to show
you how our love will blow it all away." ~Jeff Buckley
Write Mz. Conduct, the bohemian bad girl, for answers to all
your pleasure perplexities at: guttergrl69@hotmail.com
The Transient Trollop and her Gay Man with Toolbox are plotting
a marriage... to one another! He proposed to her, albeit over
large amounts of whiskey, but it looks like itęs going to happen
anyway. They figure that they donęt like anybody else but each
other and wearing wedding bands would get them laid more often.
The Transient Trollop insists on cheap gold bands from Wal-Mart
for the fruitful event. The Transient Trollop is a catch in my
book, so is this gay pride or what? Bless the buttplug and get
the confetti, I may have to be present for this one!
The Yum Yum boy and I went down to Infinity Tattoo where Paul,
the owner of the best tattoo parlor in Portland, crafted a fabulous
winged heart right above my butt crack. It took about an hour
and a half and turned out painfully pretty. He was just finishing
up, and as I straddled the stool, he told me to hang on one more
minute, as he had a little mess to clean up back there. I immediately
blurted out "Oh Ięve heard that before," which made the shop chuckle
with undue surprise.
The Lion King and I went down to the county courthouse and picked
up a set of divorce papers for each of us. We knew our spouseęs
wouldnęt get around to it and we were just trying to get the ball
rolling, as itęs only been over a freakinę year since Ięve been
single! We laughed at how if it wasnęt for either of us and our
raunchy rendezvous during our marriages, we wouldnęt be in this
predicament in the first place. And how funny it is now that if
we did get re-married it sure wouldnęt be to each other. I still
believe that everything happens for a reason, even if itęs not
the reason you may think at the time. We celebrated by having
cocktails of course.
My fab new roommate, the Distinguished Deviant, went on a trek
to southern California last week. Upon his return, he brought
me the sauciest of sauciest attire. A tiny, red, vinyl skirt that
zips naughtily up the front. He told me that when he laid eyes
on it, it screamed my name. The Lilę Princess and I wedged my
ample ass into it, laying on my bed and laughing so hard we almost
peed our panties, if we had had any on. Back to the gym I go starting
tomorrow, honey!
The Yum Yum boy whisked me off on a spontaneous sprint to the
mountains. Dark and chilly, we found a great, old logging road
with not a soul around for miles. We built our campsite by flashlight
and a fine fire it was, in more ways than one. We played word
games, shared dreams, and bashed our heads together accidentally
while freaking out over where we put the vodka. We drank Absolut
and cranberry juice until five in the morning. He and I finally
keeled over in the cold night air only to waken to the sweltering
sun on our naked bodies in the afternoon of the next day. Salacious
sex occurred promptly. We decided to continue this evil-slated
escapade and headed to the coast. The next night we drove for
miles on a gravely, windy road until we found a perfect place
to camp next to the roaring Nehalem river. Lust was in our loins
once again, but this time there were children down the road. As
the Yum Yum boy banged me into oblivion and I screamed my usual
Tarzan thrills, no words of discipline said, he simply shoved
my head into the sleeping bag and held it down. Now thatęs my
kind of man, baby!
Awkward, embarrassing, oh I donęt know, maybe just a typical
Mz. Conduct moment that this was; I had gotten some pictures back
from one of those disposable cameras I had been carting around
for eons. A couple of pictures were on there from last spring,
as I had shots of all my fab birthday flowers and such. But when
I was showing the Yum Yum boy the ones I took of him there surfaced
a shot of a manęs wet penis tip through some Calvin Clineęs. I
told him I didnęt remember taking that of him and he calmly reminded
me that he doesnęt wear that type of underwear and that was not
he. Oops. The only thing I could soberly remember is that perhaps
it was an old Lion King picture. With that in mind, I brought
it to him, laughing at my stupidity and telling my silly story.
The Lion King looked at me and said that it wasnęt him either,
as he never had a pair of those underwear in his life. Ooops again!
I thought Ięd better just toss the picture in the trash, as Ięd
done enough damage already, and leave it be. It mustęve been the
Boytoy Bitch, thinking back, and some things are better left in
the trash.
As I sit here and treasure how good it finally feels to have
a beautiful boy adore me and not want to change one thing about
who I am, nor I him, I know that Guttersluts may not go to heaven,
but Ięm almost sure that is about as close as one wicked little
wench will ever get.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
I have a friend who I care about very much. This girl is nineteen
and engaged to a guy sheęs never met outside of prison. It was
one of those online/prison things and although sheęs visited him
since, I feel protective and uneasy about this. I also have a
buddy in the same prison and he told me that this guy sheęs involved
with is a real asshole. Heęs not due to get out for eight more
years and she seems absolutely dedicated to this jerk. She wonęt
date anybody else and she sits at home and writes to him, consumed
and obsessed with only him. My question is how can I tell her
sheęs throwing her life away waiting around for this dude?
Prison Blues
Dear PB,
Chill out baby. I realize that youęre concerned about your friend,
but donęt sweat your nutsack off. Sheęs freakinę nineteen years
old and Ięll bet my thigh high boots (and no way Ięm losing those!)
that sheęll grow up and have a revelation of reality before too
long. Ięm guessing that if the prisoner in question has eight
more years of time to do, heęs no knight in shining armor, anyway
you look at it. The best thing for you to do is to continue being
her friend, suggest fun outings and leave it at that. If you try
to persuade her that this guy is no good, itęll only make you
look like the bad guy in her eyes. Believe me, I was nineteen
once and trying to talk me out of something only fueled the fire...
hmmm some things never change. Donęt worry though, this will.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
How would my wife and I meet other couples that are interested
in swinging? Weęve had some experience with this before but it
never seemed that anyone we met was interested in much of a relationship.
Weęd like to develop a good friendship as well as a sexual one.
We are in Oregon and wondered if you had any suggestions.
By the way, we love your column!
More the Merrier
Dear MM,
I would go online and check out some Yahoo groups like the Ace
of Hearts Club and Oregon Sex Contact ("http://www.oregonsex.com").
There are many people in the same lust boat as you two. As a matter
of fact, I will be writing for a new branch site of Oregon Sex
Contact coming this September. Also there are some decent polyamory
sites as well, such as Portland Polyamory. You can meet online
first and find others who are searching for the same particular
thing instead of just hooking up with some random swingers. Many
of these groups have smaller groups within themselves and have
developed very good and real friendships. Go forth and multiply!
© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez
