Mz Conducts
House Of Sin
Is that the Stick Shift
or Your Penis?
By mz kimi
begonias and banging
blonde boys
"A positive attitude
may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people
to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright
Ask me, ask me, ask me, damnit! Ask Mz. Conduct at: guttergrl69@hotmail.com
and send me your appreciation at www.paypal.com!
Flowers were delivered to me the other day. A huge bouquet of
lilies and roses and an attached card reading: Thereês no one
like you. No signature, name or nom de plume. Well, surprise!
it was my ex-wedding anniversary -- no, my ex would never send
flowers, especially after I just wrestled a divorce out of him.
It was also an anniversary of an ex- boyfriend -- no, heês pissed
because he whipped his weenie out in the parking lot and I told
people about it. Hmmm, it wasnêt the Yum Yum Boy in Australia
-- such a move was not him. Still, I was narrowing it down. Finally
I decided it didnêt really matter, just a nice surprise, and,
of course, I deserve them. Thank you, whomever you are!
A beautiful blonde boy has been after me for some time now and
since heês freshly back from working in Alaska and Iêm hankering
for a stiff one, I decided to hook it up with him. When offering
up all that heêd do for me, I nonchalantly asked if I could perhaps
use my strap on with him. He was beside himself and told me, to
my devilish delight, "the bigger, the better!" Angels of the anus,
my trustee olê double headed dildo was going to finally get some
use. I met him at the Tiki Lounge and oh-la-la, was he a cutie!
Plus, he bought me oodles of martinis, played footsies under the
table and we smooched over wet napkins and swizzle sticks. We
finally blew the joint and made a mad dash to his car. I wanted
to see what he had in his pants and wrestled his appendage out
for a look-see. A decent specimen to be sure. Smiling seductively,
I told him to drive, and drive like a maniac, back to his place.
We didnêt make it that far. We pulled over on the bridge and I
got out of his car and bent over the hood, said " Do me, and do
me now, baby!" and he obliged with fearless force until I screamed,
in blissful release, all over this fair city.
My ultra-cool roommate, when he isnêt thinking heês dying of some
rash or head bump, has managed to cheer me up over and over again.
When Iêm in my funk and listening non-stop to Billie Holiday or
Jeff Buckley -- drinking more than one person should and chain
smoking myself into a frenzy -- he brings me African violets,
good coffee, leather skirts, and herb. He should have a medal
for putting up with me, but instead he just loves me... and thatês
truly a jewel all itês own.
I had a fabulous lunch with Mister A the other day. He said he
had something for me, which made me wet with anticipation; then
he slowly whipped out the absolute biggest, most beautiful, most
amazingly spectacular... snow globe Iêd ever seen! He returned
from a trip to New York and remembered that I collected them,
this one in the shape of a heart, all sparkly and pink, sort of
like me! He also gave me a CD with a million digital photos of
Greedgirl and I doing a naughty, little show together. We look
pretty damn hot, if I do say so myself. Hmmm... I should really
call her, and soon!
Iêm off to workout and peruse the weight room for bangable material.
If I wasnêt so
discriminating, Iêm sure I wouldnêt be so frustrated today. Sometimes
pumping iron isnêt all a girl needs. Sometimes pumping flesh rods
is what she needs, and if that doesnêt pan out, then a good fantasy
in the steam room will just have to do.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
What makes you so qualified to give sex advice?
Curious George
Dear CG,
Honey, Iêve been around the block about a zillion times -- taking
turns with directions, as not to get dizzy -- and after decades
of helping my friends and their friends out, decided to broadcast
my opinion to the masses. I attend many workshops, read all I
can, and am continually immersed in my element: the sex industry.
All the bad-girl things I do, I do in the name of research baby!
Simple as that. Now go grab that book from my coffee table, "Whores
and Other Feminists" by Jill Nagle, sent to me by a fan, then
make me a martini and go away.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
My girlfriend has complained, in a nice sort of way, that my penis
is too thin. She said the length is great, but I lack the girth
she likes. Iêve never heard this before and wonder what I can
do to please her?
The Thin Man
Dear TM,
Yeah, it can matter if a guy looks as if he could stick his wiener
in a pencil sharpener. Iêm not a big fan of the skinnies myself,
but too much girth is not good for me either. So where does that
leave you? Itês all individual and since your girl has told you
that this promotes a problem for her, try wearing a cock sleeve.
You can get them at most any adult video/toy stores. Theyêre inexpensive
and they come in colors. Itês just like a thick condom with ridges
and bumps all over it and they work rather well. You can also
order the Blossom Sleeve from Toys in Babeland (www.toysinbabeland.com).
Itês made of a soft, pliable jelly rubber and is very stretchy.
Itês made to feel like the inside of a vagina so it should be
enjoyable to you both. Where thereês a will thereês a way, baby.
Slide that stick-thin schlong of yours in a sleeve and have at
it!
Dear Mz. Conduct,
After reading your columns, and finally knowing what kind of woman
I want, how does a man like me go about getting to know a woman
like you and eventually having sex with her?
Smitten
Dear S,
What is a •man like youê all about? I have no idea, except that
you show good taste in reading my columns. You like a strong and
bitchy woman apparently, and that can be a good thing. It shows
that you are secure to some extent. However, there arenêt a whole
lot of women like me in this world and getting to the bedroom
(or car hood) with me takes a whole lot of chemistry, which is
an entirely a fateful thing.
© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez
