Mz. Conduct's House Of Sin

Where There's a Will, There's a Skill By mz kimi

The mistress of mischief tells it like it is "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death" Rosalind Russell in Auntie Mame

Movie stars, swimming pools, answering questions for unfortunate fools, that's my story and I'm sticking to it like my naked ass on vinyl. Ask Mz. Conduct guttergrl69@hotmail.com

Gaad, I love that movie! Auntie Mame is hung over and as she exclaims, "Honey I'm hung," and pulls up her satin sleep mask to answer the elaborately decorated telephone. When the crotchety, old coot from the bank says he's on his way over to check out the status of her newly adopted nephew, Auntie Mame panics and asks "You're coming... now? Repeating what she hears, she says with disgust, "Spitting distance?" Moaning under her breath she drawls, "Howwww vivid".

I feel like Auntie Mame today. Flog my flanks and call me Fortunate Fanny. It's a good time to write. It's 3:47 in the morning and I am doomed to insomnia tonight. I fell right to sleep in front of a blazing fire, all cozy and warm, only to be woken by a knock on the door at midnight. Well, I don't answer my door at that hour, so I peeked out from the curtain. It was Yolanda, a homeless woman I give my beer bottles to from time to time. Too bad Yolanda; you may be homeless, but you can find a clock. I crawl back to bed, determined to drift away into a sea of sexy dreamland, only to hear the wind banging the hell out of the bamboo shade on my porch. At least something is getting banged. Try as I might to ignore it, no such luck. After wrestling and tying it back down, back to bed I go. Almost to sleep, the sheep's baas are fading and then Bing, Bing, Bing goes the gaaadaaam oven timer, which has always possessed - key word here - a mind of it's own. Three times I shut it off and knock on wood (where's a firm penis when you need one?), it seems to have finally stopped. Once again, insert body in bed. Well now I realize that I just can't sleep so on goes the television. I have a choice of two infomercials, the not-the-least-bit amusing and resurrected - for this time of night only - Charles in Charge, and the crap I chose in the end. It's one of those creepy, road movies with Mark Hamill as a psycho who just yanked some morbidly obese woman's fake eye right out of her head. Horrified, I watch for awhile, but after he slices up some innocent young girl with a switchblade, I come in to write. Luke Skywalker, what's happened to you? Perhaps that's what too much butt banging will do to you.

So I attended an SM 101 class last week and for three hours watched about twenty people blush and hang their mouths open in amazement. There was quite a motley crew in attendance: four-hundred pound dykes; timid, little, mousy girls; what looked to be a homeless man with matted hair and filthy pants; and even a yuppie couple that looked as if they had mistakenly entered the place thinking it was a Starbucks. For me the stuff taught in class was mostly old news. I did learn a few things, however. I learned that, unless you're a pro Dom, handcuffs are not recommended for play. They can cut off circulation and cause permanent nerve damage to the wrist area. If you've ever been in police custody, you know the impact they can have, and they're not playing consensually. The two instructors were serious eye candy by the way and I was a bit worked up just watching their interactions and vivid explanations of things. They both agreed that since they actually like handcuffs, they do use them. But they recommend if you do use handcuffs, you should attach restraints (either leather or the washable sort) to the wrists and then attach the handcuffs to the restraints, then to the bedposts or eyebolts or whatever you're hooking the person to. That way you have the aesthetics as well as the clink clinking sound. Makes sense to me. They passed around at least twelve different flogging devices and when I had passed the last one around (my favorite, the horsetail), I was as moist as a damn snack cake.

A quick check back to the movie and Mark Hamill is running amuck with a surgical saw, covered in blood and laughing manically. Vulvas and villains, then Robert Mitchum, of all people, appears as the seemingly self-medicated psychiatrist. What next, Martha Stewart in a French maid's uniform, using a scalpel on some pathetic craft project?

The Transient Trollop called and has been parading around with her gay boy. Hey, they can be fun in the sack too! They went to a drag queen cabaret, which turned out to be a pants-peeing hilarity. Poor girl hasn't been laid in months and if I were there, we'd be smoochin', strappin' on and pouring good champagne, that's for sure.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I'm nineteen and a Catholic altar boy and have been feeling guilty because I can't stop looking at porn lately. My girlfriend doesn't know and I'm ashamed when I see the things I see. Some of the things that I look at are extreme, like some SM and really dirty things. How can I stop this and save myself?

Bad Altar Boy

Dear BAB,

Oh geez how I love altar boys, all pristine and proper and sprouting young wood under those ironed, linen robes. Oh I'm supposed to be helping you, aren't I? Perhaps I'm taking the place of the confessional or maybe you just feel the desire taking hold and need the bad girl extraordinaire advice. Either way, dear boy, listen up.

There is nothing wrong with porn. I'm a dirty girl (and have the soap and wash cloth saying just that) and damn proud of it. There's really no real health or pleasure without your own freedom to enjoy sex. Looking at gigantic men's appendages thrusting into some tight little hole turns you on because, well, you're human. Plus the fact that you're freakin' nineteen means your hormones are raging, honey. By the way, I certainly don't consider SM to be dirty. Sure you do because you're Catholic, home of the hypocritical movement, pedophile priests, unchanging viewpoints and sexually repressed men and women. So okay, I'm biased; I was raised by psychotic, Catholic nuns and have a slight attitude. You're in the House Of Sin now though and you may find even a fetish that appeals to you. It's okay sweetmeat. If you sit there all damn day and night wanking away and ignoring your girl, then I would say you may have a problem. Just like computer games and gambling, it, like anything can become an addiction, so watch it. Otherwise lose that Catholic guilt, maybe try and share your view of vixens with your girl if you think she can handle it. If not look into finding an experienced Dominatrix to teach you the ropes (pun intended), and enjoy yourself. You can learn a bit more about the SM lifestyle at; http://www.ds-haven.com/ and remember, shame is a worthless emotion. It's up to you if you share that with the confessional priest though, he'd most likely give you six thousand Hail Mary's and flog himself.

Dear Mz. Conduct,

I needed a spot of information and I wondered if you could help me. I want to give my husband a nice massage, but don't know which massage oil to use. The one time I gave him a massage, I'd used Johnson's baby oil, as nothing else was available at home at that time. In spite of the oil, he enjoyed it so much that I want to give him one with a proper good massage oil.

Can you please tell me what sort of oil would be good? And also can you tell me if I need any other accessories other than oil for giving a massage?

Oil of Oh Lay

Dear OoOL,

Massage...oh lord, what a slathering of good oil and some magical hands can do to uplift (pun intended) a person. The last visit to my masseur, he got a tad carried away and greased me up like a holiday ham, gave me an erotic massage to cum for and by golly I did just that. I can be such a bad, bad girl, but sensuality is the essence of who we are and very important in the longevity of life.

Okay, back to you. Good oil is crucial. Baby oil is mineral oil; it may feel nice on the skin, but it can clog your pores. I like using olive oil myself. The skin absorbs it well and it's completely natural. I called one of the highest rated spas in Portland, the Finlandia Spa, and the masseuse there agreed with me. She's been in the business for over a decade and feels it is the healthiest by far. I also talked to a masseuse at the Dosha spa and they prefer to use jojoba oil, which is also a natural oil and absorbed easily through the skin. She likes to use jojoba because it isn't quite as thick as olive oil, which makes it easier to spread than Mz. Conduct's legs, and it also has a neutral scent. If you want to add a scent, be sure it's only an essential oil in whatever oil you decide to use. A lot of men really like the scent of vanilla, but you can ask your husband what he likes. Give him a snoot of some little testers such as cinnamon, vanilla, etc.

As far as other accessories, candles are always a thumbs up and be sure to pick a nice relaxing music to soothe the mood. Enigma and oil...okay I'm drifting again. Make sure you put the oil in your hands first so it warms to your touch and then slather up that man of yours. And you know what? Ask for one yourself sometime, girl!

Copyright 2002 All Rights Reserved Kim Alvarez