Mz Conducts House Of Sin

Wild Parties

By mz kimi

the butt swat team

"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it." ~ Bette Davis

Love me, hate me, crave me, slay me, but ask me, baby, ask me! Send me your questions at: guttergrl69@hotmail.com and if you appreciate reading the column and feel compelled to contribute to the Mz. Conducts Survival Fund, by all means do so at: Pay Pal: www.paypal.com using my same email address.

Picking up the Yum Yum Boy at the airport didnêt go quite as planned, but thatês life, now isnêt it? Thank the Goddess of Guttersluts for spontaneous combustions of unpredictability. One thing that was right on target was moi getting to the airport bar an hour early -- and not a minute before -- as I was instructed by the boy not too cause a drunken commotion at the gates. Now, no one, and I mean no one, can •instructê me in the subtle, yet domineering way he can, honey! Dressed in black leather from head to toe, I swilled down a couple of double Absolut and cranberries at the airport bar and yakked with the bartender, a fun flamer named Bob. I was so excited, I whipped out pictures of the Yum Yum Boy. Then Bob -- after announcing •Oh, girl, he has such big feet!" -- made me promise to swing on back with him as soon as he got off the plane. Half tanked, I waited for the trickle of folks deplaned, searching for some wild hat or Aussie get-up the Yum Yum Boy might have on. Nothing. Then out of the blue I saw his mesmerizing eyes. I immediately interrupted an elderly woman whoêd been expressing anxiety with all of her dysfunctional grandchildren, and dashed away in mid-sentence. I screamed, "Thereês my baby!" to the Yum Yum Boy as he made his way through the maze of ropes. It was just like a movie scene, or so I like to imagine. He couldnêt miss me with my newly pink pigtails and full leather ensemble, and swooped me up in his monkey arms to plant a big juicy one on my ready for cock-sucking lips. Beside myself, I dragged him right in to meet Bob the bartender and we somehow stayed in the airport bar for four hours. This left us to wander aimlessly through the parking garage at midnight, for what seemed decades, searching for my misplaced vehicle, then paying a gigantic parking fee at the gate. We took a wrong turn home and a convoluted ride ensued, but no worries, mate, as we finally made it home. He promptly tossed me on the kitchen floor, ripped out the crotch of my fishnets and banged me to kingdom come! Welcome home boytoy!

A few nights later, a New York fan of mine offered me two complimentary tickets to see his buddy and hilarious crude-man, Doug Stanhope, (www.dougstanhope.com) at the Lusty Loins Lounge here in town. I took another dangerously sexy boytoy along and we passed right through the mile-long line, getting venomous looks from the folks in line, but loving every minute of it. Once in, we were approached by the door girl informing us that we were V.I.P. and needed to go through the black door behind the bar and straight up the stairs to the balcony; a balcony I never knew existed until that moment, and I had been there a zillion times. Once upstairs, we were served free and stiffer than my boytoy (well, almost) drinks all night long. Fabulous! It was a great show and even if it wasnêt, how would we know? We were polluted! We shared the balcony with the local KNRK radio celebrities, Marconi and Tiny, and their lovely lady friends. Aside from Tiny, a five-hundred pound hunka-love showing his butt on stage, it was an absolute riot. The affair ended with a guy dressed as a hot dog, playing a kick drum, guitar, harmonica, and tambourine, who was also crooning about how his wife left him for a corn dog. Too funny... and free, as it should be!

Wee One, my small-penised friend, delivered a lovely care package to my porch the other day. The package contained wine, flowers, a snow globe from Amsterdam (I collect them, you know) and all the things a girl really needs, aside from maybe a fat schlong and a dark chocolate truffle, that is. It was a sweet gesture and Mz. Conduct always is in appreciation of sweet gestures, let me assure you.

I went to see my friends, the Untyd band (www.untyd.com) at the Rusty Tap. Fret Boy was in fine form, as was the rest of the band and they blew the previous butt rockers right off the stage. I had too many cocktails and lost my leopard and leather gloves that night, but I did meet three girls that helped me drool over a lad in the next band. Itês much more attractive to drool in a group than alone with the wrong end of your ciggie burning and your scarf in the beer. One of the girlies was quite pleasing to my slightly inebriated eye and she and I decided to slip into the menês bathroom, as the womenês restroom was full of crossed-legged bimbos and whining. She went first and I said "to hell with it" and hiked my skirt to pee in the sink. Hey, itês a guysê bathroom, who washes their hands in there? We traded lipsticks and coiffed each otherês hair and before long she was sucking on my neck. Pink lipstick smudged my nape and goose bumps spread over my chest and my dime-sized nipple grew to nickel size. Thatês where I wanted her and thatês where she would be, I decided. I leaned back against a somewhat clean urinal and moved her head down to my heaving mounds where she engulfed my ringed nipples like a hungry child. The entire time we were in the menês room, not one sole came in, unfortunate for them by leaps and bounds... or heaves and mounds I should say. Anyway, with just her tongue flicking the tips of my tits, I came buckets right there on the cold porcelain. Thankfully, my sweet release was unheard through the thundering thumps and beat of the band on stage. Later, we walked out of the dark club blushing with girlie glee, giggling and smoking. At the end of the night we parted with a true sense of Cyndie Lauper-like enthusiasm. Yes baby, girls just wanna have fun!

New Yearês parties, oh yay! My lovely and talented friend, Darklady (www.darklady.com) has once again thrown a wild polyamorous New Yearês bash, held at a decommissioned church. Whips and chains and swings and ropes, Greedgirl did her Bukkake thang in the baptismal bath and a number of fine folks, all in various ways, worshipped in awe at her greedy gathering of gush. I, in black vinyl was escorted by a tall and well endowed lad who, in front of a hundred people, bent me over an alter and, in the infamous words of Chrissie Hynde, "when I shot my mouth off, showed me what that hole was for." Ohmagod, what a big mouth I have!

So, itês on to a newfangled new year. Perhaps itêll be a strange mix of things, but thatês the beauty of it all. Things we canêt control inevitably come our way, but we can never give up hope for what we need and want. We will all somehow get what we deserve and when weêre bitchinê about how life is treating us, letês remember, how are we treating life! Happy New Year from the bad girl extraordinaire and all of her amazing boys and girls! Bottoms Up baby!





Dear Mz. Conduct:

I consider myself pretty sex-savvy. I've read personals ads since I was a little kid. So why I don't I know what the terms "top" and "bottom" mean? Please enlighten me before I get into something scary like S & M!

Confused in the Middle

Dear CitM,

Iêm glad you consider yourself •sex-savvyê but if you actually were, you would know this. So quit swinginê your wiener and let me inform you. These are usually terms used in BSDM ( Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) and is used to cover any sexual activity that involves one partner being in control and one partner being controlled. Scary? To each his own, but instead of my incessant blathering, here are the definitions and some information according to San Franciscoês Sex information site -- and Mister Sex Savvy Not, who could you possibly trust more in this area?:

bottom. Meaning varies by sexual subculture, but generally means either (1) submissive in BDSM or power exchange play, or (2) penetrated partner in anal sex.
top. Meaning varies by sexual subculture, but generally means either (1) dominant in BDSM or power exchange play, or (2) penetrating partner in anal sex.
switch. In BDSM or power exchange play, ability to be submissive (top) or dominant (bottom) depending on the situation and the partners they are with.

Often, BDSM activities include one of three elements:
à Role play (Example: one partner is the "master" or "mistress", and one partner is the "slave", who does whatever the master/mistress commands.)
à Control play (Example: one partner is blindfolded or tied up.)
à Pain play (Example: one partner spanks the other.)
Most BDSM "scenes" will involve a combination of some of these elements.

It's important to understand that BDSM activity always involves consent. That is, both partners in a BDSM interaction actively want to participate, and both partners have the ability to stop the activity at any time -- this usually involves using a pre-arranged signal, or "safeword".

There are many theories about why people are interested in BDSM, but no one has a definite answer. People who do BDSM (both as "tops" and "bottoms", indicating power or status, not necessarily actual positions) find it enjoyable and exciting. There is no evidence that interest or participation in BDSM activities is associated with any psychological problems or that BDSM leads to abusive behavior outside the bedroom.

Always play within your ability. If you don't know how to do something safely, learn how before you try it out on your partner. Quit being a scared little loser and bend over for me, baby!


Dear Mz. Conduct,

Iêm a little embarrassed, but I have to write to you concerning some perversions I have because you seem like the only person who will understand. I'm not sure if anyone else has had this experience, but ever since I was a child I've always associated the ecstasy of pissing after holding it a long time with a sort of orgasmic experience.

I'm not quite sure how to approach my girlfriend with my fantasy of having sex with her in the shower and have her ride me until she cums and then just let herself go during her orgasm to include pissing all over my dick and letting it drip out and all over my body.

Do you think women ever have these desires too? Well, thanks for any advice you can offer, sometimes it just helps to get it out of your system and tell someone.


Perverted Peter

Dear PP,

Right off the bat, let me say that you are not a pervert, at least not in my book. And good for you that youêre in tuned with your body as much as you are! What youêre experiencing is the power of your PV muscle, the same muscle that allows you to ejaculate or not. Control over it is an amazing thing. Itês a very erotic feeling to have that control, bottomline. My comrade in naughtiness, Greedgirl, has been directed by her Canadian Goose, as they sit through an entire movie, not to get up and pee. When they get home, he will make her shower with him, still not allowing her to pee, making her orgasm instead. After which, she can freely let her PV muscle relax and only then can she pee. That in itself is extreme erotic. Thatês how our bodies are made up, baby. All the childhood experiences happen for a reason, even if weêre not aware of them at the time.

As far as telling your girlfriend your desires... just do it, wimp ass! If she loves who you are, she will try and encompass all your needs and maybe exchange some of her naivetþ into pleasing you and maybe herself as well. You should feel free to express all of who you are with your partner. This may bring a whole new dimension to your relationship and itês a new year, honey and time to be yourself and be loved for the delicious deviance inside you! You get the Mz. Conduct stamp of approval. Now hold that bladder and go make me a martini, watch me drink it down and make me another, damnit!

© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez