BUILDING
INTIMACY
By
Debora Myers/Ladyfire.com
Some of us never
had good role models to pattern ourselves after when it came
to learning how to have an intimate relationship a partner.
Some of us may have
shut down due to bad first love experiences or repeated bad
choices for lovers and have a hard time opening ourselves up
to potential pain again. So we end up in dry, unfulfilling relationships
or none at all, but the need for intimacy and connection is
still there.
Whether your intimacy
was lost due to a long-term relationship going sour or from
the reasons mentioned above... you might benefit from these
simple ideas to help you on your way toward a more intimate
connection with your love partner.
Be a Good Listener
Sometimes we get
so involved in our own thoughts and ideas that we run over our
partner in our enthusiasm. Remember that if you simply quiet
your own mind, close your mouth and open you ears and mind you
will be gaining insight. Insight is sister to Intimacy.
DonÍt Beat a Dead
Horse
ItÍs wise to let
your love know that you wish to become closer but be careful
in how you attempt to get your point across. Even if you are
making a good point, donÍt keep on and on and on. Your partner
will become annoyed and shut you out completely, never hearing
what is important to you. Instead, try to present your point
from different perspectives or in other creative ways. Find
an article by a "professionalÓ to back you up and leave it where
he/she will see and hopefully read it-be creative in your attempts
to drive a point home. But also know when to give it a rest.
Take a Break
Take a break from
one another once in a while. Find activities that are separate
from one another. Fulfill that void in yourself before you go
looking for someone to do it for you. You will be more likely
to find intimacy if you are intimate with yourself first.
Romantic Dates
Plan romantic outings
together in quiet places. Make sure you are in an environment
where you can talk openly or simply enjoy being with one another
without distraction. Picnics are a lovely way to get away from
it all and focus entirely on each other. Try to plan simple
dates. Sometimes the fun is lost when you get caught up in the
planning. Don't get hung up on the perfect date either. If go
to a restaurant and the food stinks, send it back and laugh
about it on the way to the ice cream shop for a cone. Try simply
taking a walk along the waterfront or in the park.
Soften the Exterior
Sometimes life can
make us (pardon the expression) crusty, like a loaf of French
bread. You may be all nice and soft on the inside but your defensive
mechanisms have made an exterior that may be intimidating to
anyone trying to reach in to get to know the "realÓ you. Work
on softening your exterior defensive mechanisms. Catch yourself
and be aware of any subconscious intimacy fears that may sabotage
anyone getting close to you.
I know someone that
aggressively talks a million miles a minute, running you over
and never ever letting you get a word in edge-wise. It used
to really make me angry until I got to know her. I realized
that she was so scared and insecure that she just wouldnÍt let
me in for one second-she was afraid of what I (or anyone else)
had to say because she assumed it wouldnÍt be nice. She was
afraid of intimacy.
Touch
Gentle nonsexual,
tender touching can convey your love and warm your partner up
to you better than the best poetry, wine, flowers, or diamonds.
A slight stroke
to the hand, or a tender kiss on the back of the neck can say
it all.
Be Open
Take a deep breath
and bring love into your body and heart chakra. Let that loving
feeling pull up into your eyes and then gaze into your loverÍs
eyes at that very moment. Allow the moment to happen. DonÍt
look away. Try to remember the first time you and your love
looked at one another with goo-goo eyes. Recapture that feeling
and bring it back to life.
Patience
Maintain patience
and wait for your love to come around. You cannot push and shove
and whine and wheedle and MAKE someone want to get closer to
you. You need to do it without trying to force the issue. Communication
is good. Start with little bits at a time or as a good friend
of mine sayÍs øTake Baby Steps.
These are a few
tips for opening up the communication process toward becoming
closer with your love on a deeper and more intimate level. Remember
the little things that can please your honey. Reach out lovingly
without expecting to "get something backÓ immediately.
Instead of harping
on the negative aspects of the relationship and lack of intimacy,
try catching yourself every time you say or think negatively
and communicate an apology or simply replace the unsaid negative
thought with a positive one.
Make sure you are
creating an environment that is conducive to love and intimacy.
How can your lover ever think of getting more intimate with
you if the phone is ringing, the kids are fighting and you are
screaming?
Add a little "honeyÓ
to the recipe and I bet heÍll eat you up!
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