this is a journal of feelings.
my feelings..
it is not meant to guide anyone else
or suggest possible medical treatment..
I bring it to Girlphoria as a place where I can safely rant - and gain control of my fears...

Oceania

Day 1

The men in my life that I trusted to take care of me.. to be there.. weren't!

My husband was at a trade show and even though he sent his sympathy he made no real effort to be here with me in person or over the phone. He of course would say differently - he promised to start home the day the show ended - that was the best he could do under the circumstances ... so that is what I expected.. unfortunately he did not leave after the show but went back to his hotel - the very one he should have checked out of that morning if indeed he was serious about starting home.... the next day instead of an early start he got a late one - he really didn't care to be here -

on the other hand
My best friend was on a shoot, a commercial for a new clientÉ He tried not to sound to scared and kept a fair distanceÉ early mornings and late nights getting prepared- cleaning up- he was too tired at night to really let me rant...

I felt lost and confused. I had no sounding board when I needed it most.

I don't know how other women deal with this type of news... Do they ask neighbors, girlfriends,. friends of friends how they would deal with this?

I emailed my yahoo group, called my daughters best friend's mom who is a nurse, and a few friends. Hell, I told everyone who called or I owed phone calls toÉ I was a wreckÉ I needed to talk to someone .

Cancer rang in my earsÉ but so did castrationÉ I don't know what I feared more!

The ones that had gone through this themselves cried for me. The nurse and other professional women said "rip it out - get a hysterectomy You'll never have another period and trust me you won't miss it...."

+++

MY BODY - MY DISEASE - MY DECISION

June 1

can't sleep
the pap smear test came back negative
eliminating cervix cancer
just finishing reading a book that says most cancers feel like fish skin
and fibrous tumors have hard edges - a definite shape
if this is true then what i have is a fibrous tumor
NOW
i want to know why most doctors think it is okay to treat a non-life threatening tumor
the same way they treat cancer?
why is removal of the uterus the first answer given?
think of this way
if a man had an ingrown hair on his balls
and it grew to oh say the size of a grapefruit
it was uncomfortable
his clothes did not fit
people looked at him funny
but it did not threaten his life
would he have his balls and his cock removed
or would he just have the hair removed
fuckin' doctors!!!

+++

June 3, 2002

Playing on my fears

Doctor called

CT scan report said high suspicious - tumor is in the lining - endromeditical cancerousmanoma - wish i had gotten the spelling

biopsy scheduled for the 6th.... my daughter's birthday...

+++

June 6th D DAY
My husband went to the doctor's with me but his mind was on business and not really on me. I craved intimacy and found none. The wait for the doctor was over an hour. I thought I would go insane.

Positive "conference' with the doctor. He agreed that the biopsy would be painful and since i agreed to remove the tumor by symmetry that biopsy would not be necessary.. If cancer was found (he felt it was a long shot) then we would worry about it then. I asked if we could wait until Christmas. Doctor became angry and said if this turns cancerous then I wouldn't have any time - he wanted me to act now. I reminded him that Fibroid tumors do not turn cancerous. We scheduled the operation and I went home.

NOTE: USA today more new radiologist finding cancers when none exists.

NOTE: Southern states have high number of hysterectomies than elsewhere in the nation.

NOTE: Doctor's play on fears of women over 40 because hysterectomy is easier - faster operation for them to perform.

June 11

faxes

I sent a 2nd fax to my doctor with my concerns and fears. He called back. I missed the called. Then his assistant called and said the doctor suggested I would be happier elsewhere. ELSE where two days before the surgery and the doctor quits me. I was furious!!!!!!! What kind of prima donna does this to a woman. Scares her to death and then flakes out! His assistant asked if she could schedule me with another doctor - numb I said yes....

Excuse me for not writing more earlier -it has pained me to relive these moments of my life...

June 16th
It's my birthday! My parents drove 700 miles down to my house to take me another 300 miles away to a Doctor in NC. I didn't want to go alone and Stephen's business needed him. The Doctor, Dr. Berger, performed an ultrasound and a saline solution ultrasound and said far as he could tell this was a fibrous tumor... but it was a bleeder and not an out patient surgery.. and he did not do hospital surgeries any more...

while I was away...

Stephen was on chat he wrote a woman in Vegas that our marriage was over.. He flirted so nicely I hardly recognized him. It hurt. But then I guess we have hurt each other so many times that maybe it shouldn't hurt any more...

I am taking a leave from all this writing and will try and go back to finding me...

January 5th, 2003
My tumor has been under control. I am starting to lose wweight. I feel good.

January 9th, 2003
Linda called. She is Stephen's ex-FRIEND. She told me she called for closer and to help me. She didn't help. The awful things she said didn't hit me until afterwards. Then my tumor swelled to twice it's size and i had extremem abdominal pain. I wonder if any one has done a studies on stress and how it factors on the growth of fibrous tumors?

January 15th, 2003. I ordered Coral calcium from my reading it has helped many people. Maybe it will help me. I will let you know. I am now working out 3-4x a week to the tebo 8 minute workout tapes... I have asked Stephen for a divorce... and I am looking forward to finding peace... The tumor has grown but he pain is not often or that unbearable.. I keep hoping menopause will destroy it... I miss my clothes... <grin>